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14 Again.

June 15, 2010

Me Circa 2003.

You know what I miss?

This.

I wish that I could be 14 again, when an Ashlee Simpson song was all I needed to describe how I felt. When I lay in bed and all I thought about was the boy we designated our month to crushing on. That’s all you needed. That’s all that you wanted. Each meeting planned, each look was something special, every outfit was carefully planned and every weekend was spent wondering which meetings, which looks and which outfits would go down in the week to come.

And to think we all made things so complicated because we thought that that’s how it’s supposed to be. And now it is complicated because we spent so many years making things complicated. Everything was complicated because you made it complicated because you wanted it to be grown up and real and intense and The Notebook.

I still wrote in my diary every night. I still wanted to save the world. I still wanted to save you. I still used to lay in the grass and close my eyes and hope that you’d just magically come to your senses and realize that it was finally time for you to love me the way I thought I loved you. I still believed that if I couldn’t have you, I’d just be single for the rest of my life. (I guess it seems as though that still holds true.) I still changed my AIM name like every week. Hell, I still had an AIM. I still thought everything was the way it was because I said so, because I made it the way it is. I still wanted 3LW to get back together. I still wrote “I Heart _(insert name here)_” on the back of my hand. I still read Gossip Girl novels in public. I still had to beg my mom to get her into Abercrombie and Fitch. I still thought a crush was the most important thing in my world. I still wanted to find him, whoever he was, out there, as if he was just waiting for me, just on the edge of his chair, waiting for me to stumble into his life.

Wasn’t 14 the greatest? Sure, it was torture at the time and looking back, I kind of like that that’s who I was not too long ago. I used to be hopeful. I used to be a dreamer and who knows when the 14 year old girl will come out from hiding again?Guess we’ll just have to crank the Ashlee Simpson until that day comes though.

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