Reason Why I’m Single #83 – Email Subscriptions
I swear I spend most of my time getting off email subscriptions for things I never really signed up for in the first place. Like Travelticker, Hotwire and Expedia. I fly to Philadelphia one freaking time and now every other day my inbox is flooded with “new and exciting rates for five star hotels in Philadelphia, the city of brotherly love!”
Look if I could choose to fly and stay anywhere in a five star hotel, I promise you, Expedia.com, that Philadelphia is not somewhere I’d be interested in and you tacking on “brotherly love” does not make me want to visit it anymore, though it was a nice attempt to sway over the half of my heart reserved for the gays (the other half is for Natalie Portman…and I wonder why I’m single, no man could ever compare).
The same goes for you Snapfish, Express and AT&T U-Verse! I’m not interested in my face on a mousepad and I’m even more not interested in paying $98 for a dress that looks like it’s from Forever 21 that you’ve attacked with the bedazzler you purchased late one slightly tipsy night off of HSN.
For someone who spends a good amount of time on her email, I don’t do a hell of a lot of actual corresponding.
Also, word to the wise, if I stopped writing dating columns for your site a year ago and you send me an email asking to cover yet another dating study (b-t-dubs WHO THE HELL IS PAYING TO CONDUCT THESE MORONIC STUDIES and why aren’t they funneling that money to find a cure for cancer, or hello, hangovers, or something that we can actually use in our lives?) and then you attach the following note, “Tell the facts, in a Carrie Bradshaw sort of way,” then don’t expect me to respond, like ever. Not only are those are two completely conflicting ideas but oh yeah, I’m not on your staff!
As I was saying before, I rarely ever use my email for actual correspondence but mostly just as a vessel for daily annoyance, but when I do choose to compose an email, you better believe it’s a freaking masterpiece. No. Seriously. I write like the best emails ever.
My friend Caitlin, who is currently studying abroad in Paris, eating crepes, shopping at flea markets, wearing all black and doing other fabulously French things, can vouch for me. Also so can my video journalism professor from last semester. Let me give you just a little smattering.
Dear Prof JSL,
I hope this email finds you well as I am sending it from the least stressful of places, The Barnes and Noble in suburban South Austin where the most stressful thing that has gone down here all night was when the 70-something old lady next to me seemed rather disgruntled that B&N ran out of her favorite Van Gogh notecards which she uses to send her grandchildren birthday cards and 5 dollar bills…every year. I know this because she made it a point to tell me so, among other things, like the names of her 3 cats and which one is currently dealing with tummy troubles (Gus, in case you were wondering)…but I digress.
I just wanted to say thank you, THANK YOU for everything you’ve helped me with on this project. I seriously appreciate it so much. So with that said, I am coming at you with another installment/version of this video. Feel free to click out now if you’re totes over it…
Should you actually want to continue reading this (which I’m sure 4 out of 5 doctors would not recommend) here is my update on this video.
It’s good, right?
Well maybe not so much good as it is irritating but I’d be lying if I said wasn’t slightly (read: REALLY) proud of the emails I send out. What I’m not so proud of is my reaction to the influx subscription emails my inbox practically invites in for tea and scones on the daily – which may or may not resemble me screaming at my computer in a way that can really only be described as “primal” or at least the picking up of my laptop in attempt to sling it across the room, each time, pausing to remember that not only is my computer one of the most expensive things I own, but also, that if I break my computer, I will be without a vehicle for Facebook stalking and other highly important tasks, like googling how to properly use bleach in the washing machine and self-diagnosing myself with the help of the wisest of M.D.’s – WebMD.