“Open Letter” is a series on This Single Life where I will publicly address those who I was too scared to confront as well as (and more often than not) those with whom I wasn’t quick enough to cleverly attack in person. Enjoy and feel free to post your own!
1. To the girl who told me I was going to get Hepatitis if I took my 6-inch stilettos off downtown at 2 a.m. this past Friday night, really because I was pretty sure it’s that whole lipliner-without-lipstick thing you’ve got going on that’d be sure to give a girl the Hep, oh and keep that in mind next time you’re shopping at Rave. (Yeah, I know that one was mean but I have a strict don’t-yell-at-strangers-from-across-the-way policy, I think I got it from Kristin Cavallari.)
2. To the guy in the apartment adjacent to mine, look, I get that you’re excited about discovering the stylings of DJ Tiesto, but could you not pump his music at all times during the day? My eardrums and my sanity would really appreciate it.
3. To the assholes who constantly steal my parking spots, while I may seem comparatively weak behind my steering wheel, I will not appear so in the thoroughly abrasive and heavy-handed note I plan on leaving on your windshield.
4. To my Photo Comm TA, you cant wear a pastel orange turtleneck and be a douchebag. You have to pick one. You cant have both.
5. To the girl swearing to her friend that she’s “so seriously Carrie Bradshaw,” just because you watch a lot of “Sex and the City” and have casual sex does not give you permission to start calling yourself Carrie Bradshaw.
6. To the huge bag of Peanut M&M’s sitting on my desk right now, do you seriously insist on being delicious and Oh, where did all your contents disappear to in the past three days, even though I am well aware I am responsible for your consumption, I will convince myself I have vermin running amuck my condo…anything to push off the responsibility of eating, nay, inhaling 42 oz. of M&M’s in three days.
7. To the 29 degree weather in Austin, Texas, look, I don’t know who the hell you are or where you came from or what you think you’re doing here, but you don’t belong here, and I’m about to make your ass feel like Hayden Panettiere in “Bring It On 12: You May Think It’s Over But It’s Just Gettin’ Started Bitch. For Real This Time.” Sucks.
8. To my irregular sleeping patterns, and by “irregular” I mean, it’s irregular that as a college student I can actually fall asleep at 10:30 p.m., oh what’s that? Why yes, yes I do have tissues up my sleeve, love a good salt water taffy and enjoy sending you $5 on your birthday.
9. To the girl who I overheard say, “I’ve heard sex is substantially better when you actually care about the person, but I wouldn’t know,” just know there a lot of crowds that would judge you for that, mine however, (which consists of me and a bottle of Jack) would never do such a thing.